oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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