Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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