All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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