One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
