by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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