porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
