Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
