FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
