Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
