I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
