can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
