Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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