SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
These tits shall not be calmed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
