There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
