in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
