I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I can text with my tongue
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
