Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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