you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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