She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
