you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
