I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
