My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
