this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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