You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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