Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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