The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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