Do you still have your period?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
