i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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