i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
