i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
