You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
