captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
