My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
