So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
