Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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