Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I have tasted many bathrooms
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
