The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you bring me the toilet please
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
