Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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