Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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