Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
