He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Damn victory sex feels great
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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