i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
