Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
