why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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