im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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