I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
