I wanna bring you to show and tell
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
