i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If I die, sorry about rent.
Randomize
