He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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