I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
