I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
