New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
