I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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